Question:
I am a nine year-old boy. I enjoy playing soccer very much. The other day at school, I was playing soccer against a good friend. He teased me about missing a goal (he was on the opposing team.) It made me feel really sad. I didn't feel comfortable saying anything to my friend about the teasing. At the time, I didn't think it was important enough to tell my teachers, but it is now a few weeks later and it still bothers me. How should I handle it?
Answer:
This is a good question. What I mean by that is there are no easy answers. I find that's usually true with a good question! We can ask further questions and consider multiple perspectives. Reminding myself that there are so many reasons for what we do helps me step back, worry less, and think more clearly. That makes space for solutions to present themselves.
Have you been playing with your friend much in the last two weeks? How is that going? Sometimes a good time to speak about a hard to mention topic is when all is well and you're just comfortably together. What do you think of that? You could ask your friend:
“Do you remember playing that game of soccer the other day when we were on opposite teams and I missed a goal?”
If he doesn’t remember you have a choice. That choice is to let it go, which is a practice that often takes time. It isn’t always something we can do immediately because someone says ‘to let it go.’ It is a process. But it is an important choice.
If he does remember, you might directly say, “It bothered me when you teased me about missing the goal. I tried to forget about it but honestly it still bothers me.”
Then what is important is to take a few deep breaths and let the silence live there. Wait to be surprised. See what your friend does or what happens next. If the silence becomes awkward and you and your friend feel uncomfortable it may be time to change the subject. That is a very powerful ability. To be involved in something, see where it is going, and then go in another direction altogether is powerful. However, it can be hard to do. Whatever happens, do not be hard, or critical of yourself. As you stop the self-criticism you will find it easier to stop your upset with him.
Please let me know what you think?
With a smile,
Barbara
